#mycovidstory
There is a common question being asked, “How are you doing?” I hear the genuine curiosity and I know it’s because the individual cares. It’s also clear to me that they are processing their personal answer. This idea of evaluating is etched on the minds of many and I catch myself pondering how I am really doing?
The word really reminds me that I can’t lie or fib. It’s easy to express my gratitude, that’s not the problem, rather my ability to articulate the unexpected pieces that cause me periods of anxiety. The shame I feel for feeling this way is substantial. Consequently, I am trying to give myself permission to feel and it appears embarrassing to completely verbalize it. The rawness of it exposes questions that don’t have answers. Is it less Biblical of me to be a person that likes to have a plan in life? These are the elements that tentatively rob and steal my peace because I cannot seem to always live in the day-to-day as the Lord instructs.
My husband sits across from me at the table and reports, “I’ll lose my job at the end of the week.” I look at his face and I see the angst in his eyes, yet I watch as he calmly expresses, “There is no need to worry.” I squirm in my chair as I am far from a state of peace. Instead, I sputter random solutions or ideas to make it better. He says again, “There is no need to worry.” I know I shouldn’t fret or fear, but I am feeling overwhelmed by the financial uncertainty. It isn’t just me, it seems to be everywhere I go; I ache as COVID-19 adds another paragraph to a never ending pandemic novel.
These weeks I catch myself like a doubting disciple, yet reminded of Jesus’s simple instruction to not worry. The Bible addresses worry approximately 365 times. I lecture myself about applying this truth and avoiding the anxious narration. Ah! It’s just not as easy as it sounds. The phrase don’t be afraid is abrupt. And it’s like I can only worry less or momentary at best. I find myself justifying why it’s tricky or tough. But the Lord gently reminds me it’s obedience that He is after; He wants me to fully surrender, give it all to Him, not looking backwards but rather forwards to His plan and purposes.
I take a step forward today and I choose to not worry. It’s worth a try, I tell myself! I’d invite you to join me on meditating on various passages of scripture that speak about peace. The Lord says, “Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27, NIV).
